Feelings Part 19

Title:  Feelings Part 19
Pairing: Leo/Raph
Rating: M/16 (Don’t make me ask for your ID)
Contains: Angst, T-cest, mature content, feels (if you no like, don’t read)
By: Ryu-Amio (I own no turtles)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t know how… but… I just knew.

When Mikey called to me just as I headed for the Den. I knew.
When he said Splinter wanted us all to meet in the dojo… I knew.

Walking behind my naïve little brother to attend this family meeting,
there wasn’t a hint of doubt in my mind.

I knew that this was going to be the day… that everything will crumble away…
My feet felt heavy.

It was as if my body wanted to delay the encounter.
I felt sick and tired and hungry and I just wanted to run away…

Even so… I kept walking.

The Dojo’s usual calming glow had been replaced by a pale, cold light that shined down past the twisted tree that made its home here. It wasn’t just the light… the painful silence that had settled in made the room feel depraved of any warmth or comfort.

The little voice that always told me that I was just being paranoid… soon disappeared into that stillness.

Our sensei sat before the mural that made up the door to his room, his emerald green cane resting in his lap as he waited until all his sons were seated. Before him, Donatello sat with a look of guilt that could betray his role in this, and Leo…

Leo… The look on his face as his head hung… it tore me apart…

I said nothing. Taking my seat next to him as the four of us sat side by side, awaiting our master. Mere moments ticked my… and yet in this silence, time had slowed down, each second
taking an eternity to pass as our sensei contemplated.

Finally, his harsh, emotionless tone broke the silence.

“My sons…” I felt my fingers flinch. Trying to calm down I cast my eyes downward, focusing on my hands as they rested on my thighs. I glanced over at Leo’s hands… They’re trembling.
“…do you know why I have called you all here?”

Mikey, oblivious to the tension in the room, calmly inquired.

Splinter stood up, his weary body supported by his cane.
His eyes closed, as if trying to reassure himself…

“The bond that ties you…” he continued “…It is a sacred bond. A bond of trust and honor that all warriors carry into battle. It’s like has existed since ancient times. Your forbearers would never have achieved victory without it. It is a bond of family, a bond between brothers.”

I swallowed heavily, as if my throat was closing up…
Our master’s words are suffocating… but only for two of us…

“And now…” Splinter’s cane struck the wooden platform on which he stood
“that bond has been defiled.”

“Sensei please-“

“Silence Leonardo!”
Leo’s whimper could barely be heard, but our master chose to silence it further…
“You have lost the right to speak in this dojo…”

Leo’s eyes… they seemed to go blank as the gravity of the situation begun to sink in…
His head hung once more, and though his hands gripped his knees tightly, his trembling could still be seen. His entire body… fear had completely taken over.

“Stand.”
Splinter pointed at me.
As I stood, and all but one pair of eyes came to stare at me, I felt that fear too…
This fear… I’ve imagined it time and time again…

Standing before my sensei, our secret revealed, awaiting his wrath…
But no… this fear is far worse than anything I could imagine…

The maelstrom of emotion that was writhing in my gut… they told me to scream, to defend myself, to take Leo and run, to just do… something…

…But I can’t…
…I can’t move… or speak… or even breathe…

My master’s imposing presence and his cold, uncaring glare… they keep my muscles from moving no matter how hard I try. I can do nothing but wait and watch how this unfolds…

“Raphael…” Master’s voice cut through me “Months ago, you struck your brother down, here, in this very dojo. In that moment, you severed the bond between the two of you. The bond you had to hold dear above all others…”
I couldn’t meet his gaze… I just… didn’t have the courage….

“It was then that Leonardo came so… distracted. Distant from the rest of us.”
Splinter’s words dug into me even as I tried to block them out “…when I saw his focus wane, his skills dull, his mind wander… I knew you were the cause.”

I tried not to listen… I don’t want to hear this… Please.

“You brought this on him Raphael. You corrupted him.”

“Master! That’s not-!”

Splinter’s cane struck my leg, forcing my silence as I heavily sunk down to my knees in pain.
“You have lost the right to speak as well Raphael!” He berated.

Sensei turned his back to us, allowing the silence to fill us all.
The pained and distraught expressions on our faces grew ever more intense:
Those who want to speak have lost the right…
And those who have the right, lack the words…

“Michelangelo, Donatello, leave us.”
Without thought, Mikey asked why they had to leave.
“…I do not want you witnessing the severity of their punishment. Now go.”

Splinter mumbled as our brothers stood up.
As they headed for the dojo’s entrance Mikey left us with a weak smile and Donatello with a look of remorse, as if he was the one who caused all this…
…no, it was me. This is my fault. And now I have to pay for what I did…
Even with his back turned to us, I could still feel this weight keeping us in place.

We’re at his mercy.

Leo… I’m so sorry…
I glanced up at him beside me, watching how he battles to keep his tears from falling.
I think I can see how this will end… even so, I reached out to him.

My hand, twitching with fear of the unknown, slid over to his, grasping it tightly.
He looked up at me briefly, his eyes red and his mask stained. And as his eyes begged me for forgiveness, I saw why we are sitting here.
Leo… you told someone…

Within those pools of azure blue, I saw his torment, the weight this secret has placing on his shoulders.
He wanted it to end. He wanted to end this suffering, this uncertainty…
He would go so far…

As our fingers intertwined in his lap, I offered him all that I could: A simple, happy smile.
A smile that eased the trembles in his hand, yet it brought a look of even greater sadness to him…

A smile that said…
…I don’t blame you.
…This isn’t your fault.
…I’m still right here.
…It’s going to be all right.

A smile that coaxed tears from his eyes that he quickly moved to hide.
I watched as his tears disappeared into the wrappings in his palm.

Leo… I’ve lost the right to speak… but I hope you heard me…

“There’s no point in delaying this further” our master’s cruel words pulled my hand back into my own lap. The silence had no time to settle back in before Splinter announced his decision.

“Exile…” he turned to face us once more “…is too meager a punishment.”

My heart was struck. His words seemed to echo throughout the room, bouncing around in my head.
What else is there? What could he possibly do to us that is worse than-

“Leonardo. Draw your swords.”
Splinter’s words were met with no protest.
“Raphael, your Sai.”

We stood, drawing our weapons as instructed.
Splinter’s gaze pierced our eyes and drove out whatever hope we had of defying his orders.

“If I send one of you away, the other will want join him.
If I allow you to stay, the shame it will bring on the Hamato Clan will be more than my ancestors would allow…” Sensei gazed down at his hands, mutated far beyond what they once were.

“I will not stand by and watch as the last shred of dignity I have, be torn asunder by you… my defiled sons. I will not lose what’s left of my pride.” He stated coldly.
“The only thing I’ll lose this day… is a son.”

My heart stopped. Not just mine, I could almost feel Leo’s heart stop as well.

Unable to speak, we could only stare at our master. His will left our mouths agape.
Beads of sweat and trembling palms were nothing compared to the torrent of emotions that over came us. I couldn’t or move, or think, or believe what I was hearing.
Our master… our father… wants one of us, to kill the other.

Leo shook his head violently, his once held back tears steaming down his face. The look of utter horror seemed carved into his face as he cast his katana aside. The cry of the metal as it struck the floor brought a twitch to our master’s ears and in an instant, he drew the blade he keeps hidden in his cane.

“Leonardo… I offer you now a chance at redemption.” Splinter stated, his gaze growing steely.
“However, if neither of you wish to bare your blade against the other…” Splinter’s blade cut through the air, slashing the light that fell from above so that for an instant it blinded us both.
“… then I will end this day with two bodies to bury.”

In that flash… in that one blinding moment… I saw everything…
Every option we had… and they all end the same…
We can’t outrun him… We can’t defeat him… We can’t reason with him… We can’t refuse him…

I bent down, collecting the discarded swords and handing them back to their owner.

Again I saw his pleading eyes, desperately looking into my own for an answer, a way out.
I didn’t have what he was looking for… all I could offer him, was a smile.
The reassurance that this… is the only way.

The revelation that this was the path I decided we should take…
I think… it broke him…

His expression grew hard, and as his tears lessened he gave me a strong, firm nod.
It seems that through me, he was able to see reason… there is no other way.
And with that, Leo took up his swords, casting an unbearably icy glare in Splinter’s direction.  

Without the right to speak, he raised his sword to me, ready strike me down and reclaim some or the honor I have torn from him.
Leo… if our journey has to end like this… with our blades clashing… then I will give it my all…

I will die by the hand of the one I love… to save him from the same fate…

I raised my sai… and bit my lip…

Feelings Part 19: End