Feelings Part 2

Feelings… Chapter 2
Pairing Leo/Raph
Rating: M/18 (Don’t make me ask for your ID)
Contains: Angst, T-cest, mature content, violence. (if you no like, don’t read)
By: Ryu-Amio (I own no turtles)
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I hate this…

This feeling is… wrong.

I tried clearing my thoughts. Taking in deep breaths as I’ve seen father do countless times, trying to reach the same level of inner peace he seems to attain so easily.

But I can’t… my body hurts too much.

These past few days she’s been the only thing on my mind.

The night we met I could feel a sudden shift in the wind and I knew she’d be the one who could help me… lead me to my destiny.
Whether that destiny ended with our blades clashing or side-by-side was irrelevant.

All I knew was I that needed her.

She understood me: it was as if our minds where completely in-sync, even while we were fighting, even while she was trying to kill me, I could feel the connection between us.
Then when she said she wanted to take me away, to join The Foot Clan, I almost wanted to jump at the chance. She had been filling my head with promises of power and freedom all night and slowly… I was beginning to believe in her.

I don’t know what my response would have been if Raphael hadn’t shown up when he did.

No… I think I knew what I would have done…

Though there’s this part of me that longs for what she was offering me, the rest of me will always be loyal to my family. If I had gone with her, I’d have to betray that bond, I’d have to betray my family to The Shredder, I’d be the reason for their deaths….

Or worse… I’d be the one to kill them. To prove my new loyalty.

Could I really do that? Could I stand to kill the ones I’ve shared my life with for the past 15 years simply so that I could spend the rest of that life as I see fit? I think about being free from this life every so often… but it never involves death… at least not the death of my family.

To escape this life… an unfair life, a life that would never know travel, or fame, or wealth, or love, would I go so far as to… end it…?

...

I shook my head. Meditating is supposed to clear my mind and help me to think properly, not ponder such depressing thoughts.
Another deep breath.
Find my center.
Focus.

Moments later my thoughts begin to stray once more…

Do thoughts like these, thoughts of death and murder, count as a sin?
Does it make me a coward when I think about abandoning my family?
Do my brothers have thoughts like these sometimes?

Brothers… Raph…

The large bruise on my arm began to sting at the thought of what happened earlier. Raph’s meltdown in the dojo…

The more I try to place the blame on him, the more I realize I’m to blame as well: I shouldn’t have worried him, I shouldn’t have told him my dreams of leaving, I knew he wouldn’t understand.
But he kept insisting.

I just gave in.
The pressure of being leader of a group who doesn’t take you seriously, the humiliation of having a master who is so imprisoned in the past that his students must suffer as a result, the temptation to be free under Karai’s guidance… everything just seemed to culminate and I ended up confessing my true thoughts to Raphael.
…a mistake.

As I applied pressure to the bruise on my lower leg, a shiver ran down my shell as I accidentally recalled the look in Raph’s eyes during his rampage… A sickening black that had corroded the passionate green of his eyes, leaving behind only a window to a soul on the verge of killing.

It’s only after my wounds were treated that I realized that not many live much longer after beholding a sight like that. His seemingly massive presence driving his anger into me through savage blows and foul words, I was actually filled with a fear that robbed me of years of training.

It wasn’t Raph. I can’t blame Raph. But I do…

It was Anger. Anger Incarnate.
That is how father explained it to me while he was treating my wounds.
He had just popped my shoulder back into place as I was lying on my bed when his imposing tone broke the silence that had befallen the Lair.

“My son, do you know what has happened to you?” The question was odd, as if he think’s I don’t know.
“Yes Sensei… I do.” I replied shakily
“Yes…” He paused, applying a damp cloth to my forehead before continuing “…but do you know why it happened?” He seemed lost in thought, sternly focused to treating my wounds, as if he was just thinking out loud.
“…No Sensei.” I reluctantly answered.

Mater Splinter sighed.

“It is because of me.” He said wearily.
“Sensei?” Mater Splinter looked off into the distance, the way he usually does when he remembers something painful.
“Raphael came to me. While his heart was still aching he came to me. Had I given him the help he so desperately craved, this…” his claw rested on my bruised arm, “could have been avoided”

“Master… it’s not your-”

“Let me speak Leonardo.” I bit my lip, nodding for him to continue.
“Raphael told be about your dealings with Karai… Miwa…” There was a pained look on his face as he said Karai’s real name. All I could do was lower my head to try and share in his sorrow. He continued. “I understand your feelings on the matter. Remember you are not the only one who must go through this life Leonardo. You are not alone. Though you Envy the life she has, I know you are of a strong will. You will waver, but I know your path will be a righteous one.”

I hung my head and a pain grew inside my heart.

‘if only you knew how weak I truly am… sensei…’

“…However,” Splinter continued “Your brothers do not share that adamant resolve. Each of them is weak in their own way. Raphael’s weakness is Anger. Anger that can only be tempered by your Patience. Because that very anger is directed towards you more than anyone else.”

I wanted to interrupt, saying that I didn’t understand, but per his request I stayed quite.

“I told Raphael that he would have to find peace on his own. A mistake on my behalf. I did not stop to think that he wouldn’t be able to do such a task alone. He needs you. More than either of you may realize.”

I kept rethinking what father told me, even after he left me to rest in my room, his words still ran through my mind.

Raph needs me. But he hates me. That’s what it boiled down to.

A chuckled escaped me. What an unfair life this is: to be forced to live with someone who cares so little for you…

…

As leader, I must calm the fire inside my raging brother.
But how…?

Forcing fire into submission only burns its captor.
Trying to keep it at arms length leaves it plenty of room to run wild.
Leaving it be only runs the risk of another disaster.
Extinguishing it… is not an option.

But perhaps… if it were to burn itself out?

If Raph’s anger were to have the proper outlet, won’t he just run out of anger?

The thing he hates the most is me… I have to be that outlet.
My whole body began to pain at the revelation that I have to endure more suffering for the sake of my brother. Do be the brunt of his blows simply so he would be easier to live with…
The thought seemed almost more painful than the bruises…

A sharp pain stung deep inside my beak. My eyes burned.
‘No. I can’t cry. Can’t cry.’

I stilled myself. Taking deep breaths. Forced myself from my bed.
‘If this is for the good of the family then it’s fine.’
I repeated this to myself as I left my room and limped to Raph’s door.

I knocked on the steel door adorn with warning signs as softly as I could, trying not to wake the rest of my family at this late hour- no, I’m lying- I secretly wished for him not to hear me, for him to be asleep, so I wouldn’t have to go in there, so I wouldn’t have to face him.

I knocked again. My knees quivered as I stood there, my legs desperately trying to force my body to leave. But I was determined. The worst he can do is hurt me. I knocked again.

“…go away…” His voice sounded low and muffled, I must have woken him.
I continued knocking my wounded fist against his door until I heard him move behind the door. Steps. And the door opened.

He looked… broken.

“Can I come in?” I asked, trying desperately to hide the fear in my voice.
He stayed in what seemed like a brooding silence, simply stepping out of the way so I could enter.

If I stood, he’d see my trembling more easily, so I made my way to his bed, stepping past the trash that littered his floor. Just as I sat down, I heard the echoing slam of his door closing, resonating inside the tiny room. My heart beat so fast, it made me dizzy…

“Well” he asked arrogantly.
“Well what?” I retorted, not sure how to introduce my proposal.
“What do you want?” he asked, seemingly becoming more and more annoyed.
This was my chance. I took a breath, cleared my thoughts of any distractions. Forgetting everything: Karai, freedom, destiny…

“You can keep going now…” I said as bluntly as I could. The tremble in my voice well hidden.
“What?” He asked. Not understanding… or just wanting confirmation?
I turned to face him as I sat there on his bed. My whole body felt numb as I uttered the words:
“Keep beating me until you’re done, get all your anger out now so this won’t happen again.”

I felt drunk. My vision clouded and my head spun as he stepped closer to stand before me.
“What are you saying Leo?” He asked again. No doubt wanting to make sure he understood the proposal.
“Sensei told me about all this anger you have towards me. If we want to be a team, you can’t be angry; you have to work out all that anger. You have to hit me.”
“…no.. I… don’t want to… hurt you…” He murmured under his breath.
“Why not!? You had no trouble hurting me earlier!” I exclaimed.

This is the only way, if his anger is not dealt with it will consume him, and eventually, it will end with us fighting, not the way we did today… a far worse fight. A fight from which only one of us will walk away from.

I don’t want that.
I… love my family… I love this life… unfair or not. I will do what it takes to keep my life this way, to protect them…

To protect you Raph, to keep you by my side, I will endure anything…

I tilted my head back and embraced the quite that filled the room, trying to reach the same level of peace I’d seen our father attain so many times before…
But I can’t... my heart hurts too much.

“Just hit me. Just… get it over with.”

There was stillness. I couldn't sense him move, or breath, or anything.

These painful moments seemed to drag on forever, as if Time itself was prolonging this punishment simply to torture me further…

I didn't just wanted this to be over, I wanted to go back to the way it was before today, before Karai, before all this Anger and Envy… I wanted him to say something, to stop, to go back to the way he was before, the passionate and courageous brother I’ve shared my life with...

…but there’s no turning back now…

“Go ahead Raph, I don’t mind… You’re my brother and I love you.”
I offered a last few words and braced myself.

In an instant I felt his hands reach for my face and in what I thought would be the first blow, my heart stopped in what I realized was a kiss…

Not some kiss. A kiss that two people share while most of us must enviously look on… a kiss that is so pure and raw and powerful it drained me of my resolve to stop it.

My body trembled under his touch, slowly sub-coming to the feral, inexperienced beak being pressed to mine. My mind was in a state where I couldn't even see past his emerald face.
Every second the kiss lingered I felt more and more of myself slipping… slipping into a state of peace. My heart demanding to escape my chest and it raced inside me. I couldn’t breathe…
I couldn’t even remember the taste of air… there was only Raph… his taste. His feel.

…no…

...this feeling… is wrong.

My wounded arms raised to his chest and with all the strength I could muster, I forced him away. He fell back. The look on his face was that of utter horror, horror at what he had done.

“L-Leo… I’m sorry… I just… wanted you…” He stammered.

I looked down at my broken brother.
The look of disgust was surly carved into my face.

“Are you calm?” I asked bluntly. Fear seeming so inappropriate.
“huh? …um… yeah… I-” He was stammering like an idiot.
“Then good night.” I made my way to his door, slamming it as hard as I could behind me.

I collapsed. My legs failed me...
Crawling back to the sanctity of my room, the sharp pain in my beak returned and tears welled up inside me...
 
“No… I can’t cry… can’t cry…” I whispered as I reached my door…

…

“…not yet…”

~End Chapter 2~