Feelings Part 6

Feelings… Chapter 6
Pairing Leo/Raph
Rating: M/18 (Don’t make me ask for your ID)
Contains: Angst, T-cest, mature content, violence. (if you no like, don’t read)
By: Ryu-Amio (I own no turtles)

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He thinks I don’t notice…

As I sit here, before the flickering screen of the TV, my every sense is screaming what I already know:

He’s watching me…

I can feel it.

I always loved Space Heroes: the plot, the characters, the lesson to be learned, it always had an eerie similarity to what was going on around me. I could watch this show and get some sort of clue on what I should do next, as a leader, as a “person”…

But today, now matter how long I stared at the screen, I couldn’t watch a single moment of this show.
All I could feel was his eyes on me.
All I could hear was him breathing.
All I could see, even past the flashing images, was his reflection in the screen.

…Raph.

I can feel myself fading, my inner self crumbling, as my mind begins to lean more and more towards these feelings…

At times… I wonder: would it really be so bad?
                 …to be close to him.
                                 …to touch him in that way.
                                     …t-to loose myself in his embrace… his kiss…

Even as my body moves on its own, going through our daily routine, my heart is consumed by these sinful thoughts…

Then my mind overpowers my heart’s foolishness.
This is wrong.
He’s my brother.
I shouldn’t feel this way.
I shouldn’t.

So I avoid him, as best I can.
           …still trying to have dreamless nights.
           …still forgetting the day before.
            …still hoping these feelings will fade.

… I hate that I don’t hate these feelings.

Once, where memories of our kiss came to mind, all that was invoked within me was disgust and dishonor, now… I feel regret.

Regret.

…That is why I now try to chase the dreams away.

Each night, in an inky black plain of nightmares, I see the two of us together.
Bound together in a way only lovers may.
I hated to beheld such a sight.
Our bodies intertwined. My breath mixed with his.
A scene where our souls bond in moments of thoughtless ecstasy.

And now… I look on at my dreams in envy.

I am forced to see a soft, caring look in Raphael’s eyes that I’ll never see outside of my dreams.
I am forced to feel an empty touch that I may never feel beyond this murky place.    
I am forced to hear and smell and taste the one I can never have by my side.

…how cruel.

I have resigned myself to this fate, this burden I face each night:
…It must be my punishment for having such impure emotions…

Now I must dream a dream I can never reach.
Avoid the only one who can quell my heart’s aching.
And continue to suffer, keeping these feelings inside.

All I can do now is stare.
Stare at his reflection in the screen.

Had my mind not been so absolved with thoughts of regret and self-pity, I might have noticed when he came to sit next to me.

More of Fate’s malevolence.
I focus on the TV before me, trying not to look at him.
If I see Raph’s face now… I… my heart won’t be able to take it…

He said some words.
I couldn’t hear.
I can’t acknowledge him.
I can’t give in.

As I sat there, him beside me, it felt as though I was being engulfed by sadness.

He’s so close… inches away…

Yet I can’t touch him… if I do, I’ll be giving in to these feelings…
I’d be betraying Sensei, and Mikey, and Donatello… and myself…. And Raph…

A seemingly endless argument of ‘want’ over ‘can’t’ was being raged inside my head.
Once again my mind triumphs over my heart.
Once again I become Fate’s playthings.
Once again-
What-?
What is this... warmth?

A light touch from somewhere, offering a small bit of heat to my icy body, suddenly pulls me away from all this hopelessness. Like a hand had reached out to grab me just as I had begun to sink into despair.

Raph’s hand. It rested oh so lightly on my own.
I looked down at where our hands had come together.

My head hurt.
Thoughts of sorrow formed a maelstrom in my mind…
‘…why…?’
‘…why are you toying with me so...?’
‘…why can’t you just let me ignore you...?’
‘…why won’t these feelings… just go away…?’
‘…why…why can’t we… stay like this…?’

I wanted to cry.
I wanted to pull away, resigning to Fate’s cruelty.
But I couldn’t…
I wanted this… so badly…

I looked on, with the same longing stare I have when I gaze at my sinful dreams, letting my thoughts go to a place where it could just be the two of us… together like this… forever.
I want to be with you Raph.
I want you to be by my side.
I can’t explain it but…
I need you…
…

These are the words that came so close to spilling forth from my hesitant lips.
I braced myself, ready to tell him, ready to release these storming emotions.
I gripped his hand as tight as I could… but…

Nothing.

I can’t tell him.

I’m not strong enough.

Realizing what I was about to do I was suddenly overcome by fear.
I shot up, pulling my hand free from his, slightly loosing balance as I stood up too fast.

“Leo? You okay there bro?” his words bore a hole though my mental defenses and a midst my weakness I shakily uttered the first excuse that came to mind.
“I-I’m going on patrol…” my voice broke under the pressure of the moment.
I have to go. I have to get away, clear my mind, I just… can’t be near him right now…
“…alone.” I added as I headed for the Lair’s entrance.

After taking only a few steps beyond the broken solace of my once perfect home, I began to run. I didn’t care where to. I didn’t want to know.

I just needed to get away…

Away from family and duty.
Away from dreams and Fate and him and them and… everything.

My aching joints screamed under the brutal workout I was forcing upon them and my legs felt like breaking after every step.
I didn’t care.

My lungs burned, my throat burned, my heart burned.
I didn’t care.

My katana fell to the ground in my wake, my mask forced from my face, my gear abandoned as I trudge though these rotting halls.
I didn’t care.

The only thing that covers my face now is tears:
tears of dishonor and pain and regret.

After a while my body was just going forward on it’s own, my mind no longer fit to be it’s master.

I found myself lost.
Far away from everything.
Cornered in some locker room used my human workers, now long since forgotten, my body finally gave in.

My knees crashed into the icy tiles beneath me, my eyes cast up to the neon lights that filled the room with a pale glow.

Really… my eyes looked past this sickly place… I looked up at the heavens.

“Why did you make me this way?” I managed to push my body enough to speak. My words were weak. But then, it was as if I was addressing Fate itself.

“Why!? It wasn’t enough I was turned into this monster?!” My voice resonated inside this small room, but it felt as though my words were reaching the furthest realms of space.

“…and now… this too…?”

“WHY!? It’s not fair!!” My voice erupted in a scream that drained me of the last of my strength.

My words echoed. Filling the wet hell of a home I had, so all of New York could hear my pain.

But there was no answer… there never is.

“…it’s… not fair… not…” my vision began to blur, even as my pain continued to echo.
My body met the floor’s cold embrace as I fell.
My pain faded, my wounds cooled, my consciousness slipped away…

I started to dream.

…

I was floating.

Surrounded by darkness, I found myself in the same place I find myself every night.
Every time I close my eyes, I come here.

Raph’s room, flooded in utter darkness, but I see his bed, I see myself sitting there, I see him standing before me.

I see the kiss happen just as it did that night, I see his hands taking hold of me, I see how easily I submit to his touch, his demands…
I look on, watching like an onlooker, never to be part of what takes place. Never.
I see the euphoric look on ‘my’ face, I hear the curring noises ‘I’ make…

Knowing I can never feel such joy… this is my punishment… endless…

But this time… unlike others… the scene melted away.

This time I was left in darkness.
I could hear my own voice:

“He doesn’t feel the same way. He won’t.”
“You are weak. You are pitiful. You are nothing.”
“Raphael is strong. He can resist temptation. Unlike you.”

I felt sick.
This… it’s all true… All of it…
My senses blocked by the blackness of this place, this void, all I could do was listen to the truth being screamed in this silent realm.

‘I…’
‘I need to tell him.’
‘I need to let these feelings out…’
‘I have to.’

The voice protested.
“He won’t feel the same!”

‘I know.’

The voice grew deep, more… menacing.
“He’ll reject you! He’ll laugh at you! You’ll repulse him!”

‘I know.’

The voice seemed to grow more and more furious as it continued to try and shatter my resolve.
After what felt like an eternity, the voice grew calm.

“You… I… am stronger than this?”

...

‘I am.’

The shadowy voice became silent.
Though I was still trapped in darkness, trapped in pure silence, I was content.
The Voice of Reason had spoken to me, in a last ditched effort to stop me from going down this path.

Sometimes… Fate can be trumped.

A light broke through this dark place. The same sick pale white neon light I remember seeing before… The light fell softly around a silhouette.

Raph…

I reached out my hand, hoping that when I come out of this darkness, I’ll be greeted by him.

Sometimes… Fate is kind.

His crooked smile met my eyes as he held my broken body in his arms.
I couldn’t move… or rather, I didn’t want to…
Somehow… he found me… just when I needed him most.
Just as he always does.
…
Just as he always does….

Now I see…

I smiled at my stupidity.

The reason for these feelings…
He’s always there for me… he’s been here, beside me, all this time…
…he makes me strong, stronger than I could ever be on my own.  
I really do need him.
He’s my other half…
I can’t be me without him…

He said some words, I still couldn’t hear them, I hope they were words worth hearing though…
I couldn’t think, my mind was lost, my thoughts painted black.

Still… I reached up.

My hand, swollen and bruised, caressed his emerald cheek.
Some unheard words were shared.

But as I gazed into his eyes… I could see that caring look I had longed for…
I took a breath, forced myself up, out of the warmth of his arms, up to his face.
With all my hopes and dreams and strength poured into this… I landed a single kiss on his tender beak.

Chest to chest, beak to beak… all my pain and cold and fear melted away…
My heart beat in a way I could only dream of.

But…

My eyes stayed shut…
I didn’t want to see his disgust… not yet…

No matter what happens next, I’ll be content.
No matter what he says next, I’ll be happy.

For a brief moment… I saw love in his eyes…  

Love directed at me… not at some shadow, in some dark place…

         ‘No matter what… I’ll be content…’

Maybe if I keep telling myself this… I’ll believe it…

Our kiss ended...


~Part 6: End~