Maelstrom

Title: Maelstrom
Pairing Leo/Raph
Rating: M/16 (Don’t make me ask for your ID)
Contains: Angst, T-cest, mature content, feels (if you no like, don’t read)
By: Ryu-Amio (I own no turtles)

Summary: Meditation often leads to great revelations.

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"Special training...?" Mikey asked.

"That's right," Leo announced proudly "Sensei gave me a map and a letter. I have to follow to where the map leads and read the instructions in the letter when I get there. He said doing this will make me a better Leader."

Brandishing a heavy bag of supplies over his shell and only one katana on his hip, Leo had called his brothers to the Lair's entrance to bid them farewell. After a week of secretly preparing, he was ready to leave and needed to explain his coming absence. All four brothers met where the Lair ended and the network of tunnels began.

"How long will you be gone?" Donatello inquired, hardly surprised by Leo's sudden decision to depart.

"A few days maybe?"

The three brothers who would be left behind shared a concerned glance amongst themselves, silently worried for their leader's safety.

"You sure you'll be okay with just one sword bro?" Mikey asked as he pointed at Leo's lonesome katana.

"I'll be fine." Leo stated nervously, "I only need one anyway."

"...Liar." Raphael mumbled.

Leo offered a cold glare as his response, but quickly turned to his other two brothers with a smile.

"Don't worry. Besides, I'll have my T-phone, if I run into trouble I'll give you guys a call."

"Alright then. Good Luck Leo."
"Yeah! Good luck! Bring me back a souvenir!"

Mikey and Don gave their heartfelt goodbyes, but when Leo looked to the second oldest for a bid farewell, he received little more than a grunt.  
Undaunted, Leo headed out, offering his brothers a wave and a smile before he disappeared into the shadowy labyrinth that surrounds their home.

Within a few hours, the Lair had gone from a feeling of relief and freedom at the absence of the resident wet blanket, to an almost unbearable silence. The three remaining brothers sat in the kitchen, listless, not knowing what to do with their time off.

Without Leonardo around to nag them to train or clean or to coordinate their free time, the three were left to ponder his so called 'Special Training'.
And when the topic of what it may consist of was exhausted, attentions turned to Leo's safety.

"Do you guys think he'll call?" Mikey asked tentatively, his face resting in his palm as he flicked a finger on the kitchen table.

"Doubt it." Raphael sneered.  "You know how he is: he tells us what we want to hear," Raph folded his arms defensively. "...and doesn't care if what he says is true or not."

"You may have a point." Don added "But I guess lying and misdirection is just part of being a ninja." he then glanced at his red clad brother. "Right Raph...?"

Donatello's words invoked some kind of audible growl from his brother.

"Whatever..." Raphael barked "I'm going to my room, you two do whatever you want."
Raph slinked into the shadows that had settled into the Lair and left his two brothers in the dimly lit kitchen.

"Those two... I swear..." Donatello muttered to himself.

Meanwhile, far away from home and wrapped in a solitude that would drive lesser men mad, Leonardo trudged on.

Wandering through the dark, dank, manmade tunnels, guided solely by his master's map and the dim glow of a flashlight, the turtle hummed a simple tune in an attempt shake off the feeling of unease that had followed him since he left the Lair.

As his distance from home grew, Leo could swear someone was following him, that there was an extra set of footsteps echoing behind him. Leonardo grew more jumpy and agitated, unsure if the noises he kept hearing was just his imagination...

Once he was sure that there was indeed a presence encroaching on him, he turned to face the shadows.    

"Who's there?" The young turtle demanded as he drew his sword, ready to defend himself against whatever threat may come his way.

The footsteps grew louder and seemed to increase in urgency, as if the entity had just locked in on Leonardo's location. Leo's hands began to shake, causing the beam of light from his flashlight to tremble and jitter as well.

The focus of Leo's light darted around the pitch black tunnel, trying desperately to land on something identifiable. Breathing grew heavier and beads of sweat began to form on Leo's brow...

But then... A glimpse of red and green brought the shaking to an end, and the sound of a friendly voice broke the suffocating silence.

"Hey... Leo, It's me."
After a soft sigh of relief and a quick hand sweep to sheath his blade, Leo's response to his brother's presence was little more than indifferent.

"What are you doing out here Raph?"
Raph stepped closer, seemingly at a lack for words, shyly clutching Leo's missing katana.

"I... um... found this in my room." he bashfully murmured
"It's not like I care... but I figured you'd feel better if you had both with you."      

Leo rose his brow, easily seeing past his brother's attempt to spy on him during this outing.
"It's too dark down here to track me. How did you know where I was?" he asked.

Raph offered up the katana before answering:
"I heard you humming. It's the theme to that dumb show you like so I knew it was you."

Amidst the dark, Leo's face turned red, embarrassed at the idea that he could be followed so easily. He took his blade from his brother and reunited his twin katana on his hip.

"Go home Raph. This is something I have to do alone."

"You don't HAVE to do everything alone." Raph pouted. "I wish you'd see that..."

"Excuse me?"

"I... um... read the note sensei gave you." Raph let out an awkward chuckle "It doesn't say you have to do this alone." He added, trying to justify his actions.

Leo's eyes grew wide, and just as his fists balled in fury at this violation of privacy, he took a deep breath. Instead of the outburst of rage he was expecting, Raph was met with words of forgiveness. Somehow, these words only upset him further.

Sensing a coming dispute, Leonardo let out a sigh and allowed his brother to accompany him on his journey. Raph smiled, but tried to hide his excitement as the two set out.

The two walked on together, shrouded in a think darkness with only the sounds of their feet scuffling through the dirt and muck below to fill the silence between them. Raphael would occasionally ask how far they were from their destination, but his brother would rarely answer.

After about a day's journey, the heavy silence between them was being ebbed away. Not by the idle chatter between the two brothers, but by the sounds of rushing water.  A light trickle bouncing around in the air soon became stronger, like the roaring of a waterfall.

Ahead, the two saw a light, breaking a hole through the center of the darkness before them.

"I think this is it." Leo said hopefully as they closed in on the light. The two continued down the giant concrete pipeline, finally arriving at the outlet where they met a sight of grandeur.

Before them, a massive chamber, filled with light and water falling from above in the form of three man made waterfalls. The chamber continued deep into the ground, forming an almost swirling abyss, miles below. Jets of water and beams of pale light gave form to an underground rainbow, flickering and dancing on the whim of an unseen breeze. The two turtles stood on the rim of the outlet, taking in the cold light and icy spray in the air.

They stood there, basking in a sight that filled them with an unmistakable sense of peace.

"So... What now?" Raph finally asked.

Leo took another look at his map, confirming that this place was indeed the location Splinter intended. He then read the accompanying note once more.

' First of all, my son, know that I am very proud of you.
 I have always known that you have the potential to be a great leader.
 Nevertheless, you still have much to learn.
 During these trying times, you will need to be a pillar of support for your brothers.

 Now that you have the physical capabilities to be a great ninja
 It is time to continue your mental training.
 Ready yourself, and head to a site I once found.
 Various trails may be overcome there,
 And once you arrive, you will know what to do.
 Never forget to ask for help when you need it. You are not alone.
 And Leonardo, stay safe my son. Splinter.  '

Leo read the note several times, each time letting out a groan, not understanding his mater's intentions.
Raph gave the note a glance and rolled his eyes. Unbinding a wrap from his finger and lapping it over the note as Leo held it, the wrapping revealed a hidden message, made up of the first letters of each sentence.

'FIND NIRVANA'

The leader gave his brother a look of disdain, but it was only met with a smug smile.
After setting down his gear, Leo noticed a large, flat stone, right on the edge of the outlet, interrupting the thin trickle of water that was still running through the massive pipe.

Leo smiled, taking a seat on the smooth stone, crossed his legs, took a breath and began to meditate. Raph watched as his brother take the same pose he took every day.

"You mean to tell me, that you came all the way out here, to the middle of nowhere, to sit on a rock and do what you do every day in the dojo...?" he said crudely, trying to hide his oncoming anger.

Leo shushed his brother.

"Urg, fine. I'll just hang around until you find your Nerdvana, or whatever." Raph growled, settling down beside his brother, not meditating, but instead taking in the simple majesty of the place.

Hours passed slowly.

With every second that ticked by, each brother grew more and more agitated with each other.
Leo would begin to notice Raph's breathing, his swallowing, even his slightest movements.
While Raph was faced with the very aspect of his brother he despised.

Leo's silence, matched with Raph's constant minor irritants, resulted in a maelstrom of anger brewing between the two.

"...you're boring." Raph suddenly said. Incurring no reaction from his brother.
"Spending all day training. Meditating. Staying calm and collect. Boring Boring Boring."

Leo's brow furrowed. Raph, hating the lack of response, only doubled his efforts to annoy his brother.

"You know how glad we were when you left? Like we'd just got rid of a broken lamp or something." Raph let out a baritone chuckle "Mr. Ra-me"

Leo's frustration grew. Being called lame was bad enough, but to hear it in Raph's broken Japanese only upset him even more. Raph's taunts and teases clashed harshly with the tranquil nature around them, slowly bringing Leo's blood to a boil.    

"And here I am, treating you like this, and you just sit there and take it."
Raph exclaimed, his own frustration adding fuel to his flames.

Several minutes of harsh words and silence responses went by before the hot headed turtle reached his limit.

"YOU'RE. SO. BORING!"
Raphael erupted, driving his palms into his temples.
Somehow, the peacefulness around them brought out all manner of truths.

"All you ever do is meditate and train! You're so cold and quiet and lame it drives me up the walls! Just once I wish you'd be as angry as me, or as wild as Mikey or as sappy as Don. But you're just..."

"Just what Raph?!?" Leo finally blurted out, dimming Raph's fury significantly.
 
"You're just... not real." Raph uttered, unable to find the word he was looking for.
A moment or two passed before he spoke again with confidence.

"Fake. That's what you are. Just a fake."

"What does that even mean?" Leo asked rhetorically, trying to get back to his meditation.

"I know you Leo! I know the real you." Raph's anger mellowed, cooling back into simple frustration. "The real Leo... the side you hide away. That's why this act of yours bugs me."

Leo clicked his tongue to make his irritation known, but said nothing, trying to tune his brother out as much as possible. Raphael continued his rant regardless.

"You keep up this image of yourself. The perfect son. Why?
Why do you have to lie? To me, of all people?
It's as if you won't be satisfied until we all think of you as some cold hearted commander."

"What do you know about me Raph? Nothing, that's what." Leo coldly stated.

"...I know you're scared."

Leonardo turned to face his brother once again, expecting to find arrogance in his eyes.
Instead, all Leo could see in his brother's expression, was pity.

"I know you're afraid." Raphael somberly said. "I know sometimes, you just want to run away."

"Stop it Raph." Leo ordered, closing his eyes in an attempt to ignore his brother again.

"I know you're angry, that sometimes you just want to slice us all up and be done with us."

"Shut up..."

"I know you're sad. How you cry sometimes, when you think no one can hear you..."

"Shut up Raphael!"

"And I know you're lonely... but you won't let me in. You won't let any of us in."

A silence settled between them. Leonardo stared blankly down into the abyss below, his fists clenched in his lap as his body noticeably trembled.

"Just... let me in Leo." Raph placed his hand on his brother's shoulder, in an attempt to quell his brother's shaking.
 
"And what about you!?" Leo barked "You think you're any better than me? When you're doing it too?"

"W-what?" Raph took his hand away.

"Always hot-headed and impatient. Playing the tough guy. The bully. Angry.
And all this time you're just as scared as I am!"

Raph took a breath, as if about to retort, but instead just let out a deep, aching sigh.
Just before the silence between them could settle back in, Raph let out:

"Like you care..."

"I do care!" Leo argued. "All I ever do is care! To watch out for you. To keep you safe. This trip could've been dangerous, that's why I came alone!"
Leo stood up, his thoughts of meditation all but forgotten.

"I worry about you most of all! I'm scared that I'll make a mistake, and you'll get hurt. I'm afraid that I'll give a stupid order, and you'll be killed."

Raph stood up too, his heart filling with a bitter sweet ache as his brother's pent up words were unleashed.

"I'm angry that you just see me as a joke, and I'm sad that I'll never be good enough."

"Leo..."

Leonardo's eyes welled up with tears, as if he was battling to keep quiet with all his might.

"And you know what Raph? I am Alone. And it's better that way!
I should be someone you hate. Someone you can't stand.
Because that way..."

Leo's anger fizzled away in almost an instant.
A defeated look overtook his face and he hung his head.

"...that way, you won't be sad when I'm gone."
Leo's words formed a lump in his brother's throat.

Leonardo took a moment to recollect himself before he continued:
"Please just go Raph. Please just let me protect you... in my own stupid way."

"Leo... Do you really... think that?
That you'll just be a scapegoat if I mess up?
That you shouldn't feel anything, just so I can?"

The eldest turtle said nothing, merely fixing his gaze on the whiling waters below.
Raphael was suddenly overcome with an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction.  

"No way." Raph said abruptly, grabbing his brother's shoulders to command his attention.

"What?"

"There's no way I'm letting you live like this. Like some shield. You have the right to feel everything I do." Raph demanded "To be happy, and sad, and angry and stuff, you don't have to keep all that bottled up."
Raphael smiled warmly: "You can be honest with me. It's all up to you Leo. You have to take that first step."

Leo seemed surprised, almost willing, but his expression still betrayed reluctance.

"Leo... please... Let me in." Raph softly encouraged.  

Without further hesitation, Leo pushed forward, slipping through his brother's grip and took him into his embrace. Contact, warm and soothing, devoid of judgment. A hug that could only be described as the crumbling of a wall.

The reaction was not what either had expected: emotions like outrage or anger or the need to taunt seemed miles away as both slowly lost themselves in the moment.

Their hearts began to beat louder, the shared embrace grew tighter, each starved for the other's attention. Their bodies grew warm, and in that moment, it was obvious that this closeness wasn't enough to sate this inexplicable hunger they both felt.

In a haze, it was unclear who moved first, but in the blink of an eye they were both caught up in a deep, breathless kiss.

The kiss was hard, crude, devoid of skill or experience, but held with it years of raw pent up emotions. It lasted only a few seconds, but those seconds seemed to drag on for an eternity.  

The two pulled apart, their eyes wide and faces flushed, but then it was as if flood gates had opened. Both crashed into each other, one wrapping the other in his embrace, continuing their passionate exchange.

Cold downpour went unnoticed as an unimaginable heat blossomed between them. Their kiss was fueled by a storm of emotions that roared louder than the waters that fell before them. All they could hear was the other's breath and panting, hearts racing and soft gasps.

As the kiss lingered on and grew in intensity, one began to mumble in an attempt to confirm if this was real or not.

"Le...Leo stop..." The kiss ended abruptly as both stumbled aback, trying to regain their senses.

Leonardo then stumbled a bit, blissful and coloured a deep shade of red, but said nothing.

"Wh-what was that?" Raph stuttered, confused and short of breath.
Leo stayed quiet for a bit, bashfully shrugging.
Seconds ticked by before he finally opened his mouth in an attempt to speak.

"Um...That was me, letting you in?" He asked, more to himself than to his brother.
His lip quivered at the thought that their kiss was real and not just some hallucination brought on by a lack of solid food.

Raph stepped back,  disbelief swirling in his eyes.
"Th-that's not... what I meant..."  Raph groaned, retreating deeper into the tunnel.
"I... didn't expect-"

"Wait Raph it's not-"

"Leonardo, I'm sorry I ... I have to go..."

Leo went pale, his eyes glazing over with something between regret and horror as Raph ran off, disappearing into the shadows. Footsteps faded into the distance, and as Leo's senses returned to reality, the weight of what he had done began to sink in, forcing him to his knees.

After almost an hour of staring into the dark where his brother was last seen, a cry of pure anguish could be heard all throughout the sewers.

Thoughts of self hatred, mixed with sorrow and guilt, kept the young turtle from finding nirvana that day, yet he was in no hurry to return home. So his meditation continued, but every second was spent wishing time could be reversed.

Tears fell, only to be lost in the maelstrom below that bore witness to the brothers's most ill-fated moment.

His training ruined, Leo took one last glance at the shadowy whirlpool before collecting his things and headed back to the Lair. To drown out the silence that enveloped him as he made the long trek home, Leonardo mumbled repeatedly:

"...Joy not meant to be,
  Go now to the maelstrom,
   to be forgotten..."

To be continued...?